The Sports Czar

This all sounds great. Do it Barack.

From ESPN's The Sports Guy:

Q: I would like to nominate you, Bill Simmons, for a new Sports Czar position in the Obama cabinet. It's a position that's needed in government, no? You're the only one who can save this country from future sports missteps.
-- Travis, Minneapolis

SG: Travis, I accept your nomination even though I lack the legal background, the authority and the connections. With 10 weeks to fine tune my platform before President Obama officially takes office, here's a rough draft of ideas I'm kicking around. Some of them have already been mentioned in this column; I just wanted to get everything in one place. Feel free to send me any additional suggestions. On the first week of 2009, I will post a complete platform for my bid to become the first Sports Czar.

Creations: A college football playoff system; a uniform boxing organization; a better trophy for the World Series; championship belts for the defending NBA champs that they must bring to every game; a hierarchy of alcoholic beverages for baseball celebrations (cheap beer, then good beer, then cheap champagne, then good champagne); an NBA expansion team in Seattle, effective for the 2010-11 season; a no-exception three-city rotation for the Super Bowl among New Orleans, Miami and San Diego; a full-length indoor basketball court in the White House, with all games involving Obama televised on NBA TV; a purple Masters-type sports coat for the winning March Madness coach (presented to him by last year's coach as Jim Nantz orgasmically looks on); relegation for Major League Baseball (a 30-team league with the bottom two teams forced to move to Triple-A for a year).

Eliminations: The backstroke, butterfly and breaststroke events in the Olympics; baseball managers cannot wear uniforms anymore; no more seat licenses, NIT or Tony Siragusa; no NFL division champ can make the playoffs unless it wins nine games; no more three-man booths except for Van Gundy, Jackson and Breen; the bullpens can't empty during a baseball fight; no NHL ticket can cost more than $75; no tax write-offs for season tickets, but you CAN write off luxury suites; no more sideline reporters unless they agree to dress like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"; no more cell-phone calls by spectators during sporting events (you can only text); no more sunglasses in the World Series of Poker.

Restructures: The NHL will disband eight teams, move a few more to Canada and form 11-team conferences in the United States and Canada; Fox's No. 1 team for baseball broadcasts will be selected in a vote by the users of foxsports.com; the Nets and Bobcats will merge and move to Vegas next season (and become the Las Vegas Dice); the Utah Jazz and New Orleans Hornets will switch nicknames; Gus Johnson will be promoted to CBS' lead play-by-play guy for March Madness and the Final Four; Buffalo residents can purchase the Bills in a public trust (like how Sconnies own the Packers); all "live" sporting events will be shown live again and not on a brief tape delay, and if anyone out there can't handle hearing an occasional F-bomb, then don't watch live sporting events; a three-game exhibition season for the NFL with two regular-season bye weeks (not one); the entry fee for the WSOP will be raised to $25,000; two rounds for the Home Run Derby and that's it; H-O-R-S-E for NBA All-Star Weekend; ESPN Classic's budget is tripled; the Olympics and World Cup will happen every three years (not four).

New rules: No pregame show will be allowed to have more than four people (except for NBC's "Football Night in America," which will shift to a "Hollywood Squares" format); if you purchase a player's jersey and that player is traded within 12 months, you can return the jersey and buy a new one for half price; incoming college freshman recruits don't have to honor an NCAA scholarship if their sleaze-bag coach ditched them after he signed them; all professional owners either have to sell their team before they turn 80 or before they start looking like a sea monster; a forced agreement where the NFL Network is carried by all cable systems; baseball fans get to vote on the entrance music for their closers; golfers have to carry their own bags for the PGA Championship; the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" will replace the Australian Open as tennis' fourth major (with the top six male and female tennis players competing against MTV cast members); no more 20/20 flashes on sports radio shows (we move to a 30/30 flash); the U.S. Olympic basketball team cannot have anyone over 25 years old; David Halberstam's "The Breaks of the Game" must be re-released; Chris Rose will be liberated from "The Best Damn Sports Show" and given a better show; Tropicana Field is immediately blown up; Isiah Thomas will replace Donna Orender as the commissioner of the WNBA, effective immediately.

Literary Icon Puns

There is a cleaning service called Thoreau Services, Inc. Nationwide . I don't think the name of Henry David Thoreau, one of the great American thinkers, an Abolitionist and inspiration of both Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr., should be tied to a janitorial service that wants to imply that they are a) clever, and b) thorough. Not that it's not honorable work, but come on.

I do not approve of that literary pun any more than I approve of a license plate my friend Chris once saw parked in the faculty parking lot outside the English Department of our university that said, "Eyre Go." No on likes a smugly punny English teacher.

If you want to say ergo, or anything else awesome, here's how it's done:

Why Tyler Hansbrough Didn't Turn Pro

Don't listen to all this noise.

I'll Be There

Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are producing a one-man Broadway show, starring Ferrell as George Bush.

And believe you me, I'll Be There.

Paul Motherfuc*ing Rudd

You know how I know your gay?

I'm a big Paul Rudd fan, and I've been on the bandwagon since way before it existed. I don't think I liked him in Clueless initially, because he ended up with Alicia Silverstone, and 9 year old me was a little jealous. But it wasn't long before I dealt with my jealousy and realized that Rudd was hilarious. It takes pure genius to sleep with your underaged, ex-step-sister in a movie and still have the audience like you. Ladies and gentleman, Paul Rudd is that genius. So, clearly I'm going to go see my half-Jewish brethren (although he might actually be full Jew, not to be confused with full retard) in Role Models tonight, which he co-wrote and is starring in.

In this interview , Rudd talks about the possibility of his appearance in two possible sequels, ANCHORMAN 2 , and Ghostbusters . . . 8? .

Rudd’s out spruiking “Role Models” at the moment, a comedy he’s done with Seann William Scott, and in an interview with Aint it Cool News mentioned the “Ghostbusters 3” and “Anchorman 2” rumours that have been circling the web. If the info super-highway is to be believed – and you just know it is – he’s in both those films. Not that they exist. Yet.

‘’All of a sudden, these different rumors, and I only heard about it kind of like the same way everybody else had, which was exciting", Rudd says of the abovementioned titles, adding that the "Anchorman" sequel would be especially fun to do, "I kind of thought, ‘Oh, it’d be really fun’, because it was a blast making ANCHORMAN, and they were great. They’re amazing, all those guys. I saw Will Ferrell and talked about it with him briefly. And, I e-mailed Adam McKay, saying ‘I’m so into the idea of doing it,’ but, it has to be weirder than ANCHORMAN. I mean, there’s no point…I mean, I think everyone thinks there’s no point in doing it, unless it’s something very strange and funny and specific. But, I do think that everybody is excited about the idea. It just needs to be written. And, getting Adam and Will to…their schedules are so crazy.’’

Rudd also mentioned the "Ghostbusters 3" rumours over at Metromix.

''If I was in the next Ghostbusters film, I feel like I could slime just about anybody in the cast and I don't even need a ghost or a proton pack', he said.

If the ANCHORMAN crew can get together and make something even weirder than ANCHORMAN (one of my all time favorites), count me in.

As for his comment on a Ghostbusters sequel. Well, that quote is just proof that ANCHORMAN 2 should at least be efforted

Rudd on The Daily Show last night

Yes We Did

Image From ObeyGiant

P.S. I'm still bummed, as I have been for months, that the now famous HOPE poster, was a limited edition. Maybe they'll sell VICTORY.

Gran Torino

It doesn't look great, but I'll be damned if I don't go see Gran Torino on opening weekend.